karma police

Listen up, because I'm about to tell the truth.

Just kidding.

What I'm about to do is tell you how to fry a fish. 

But first, someone to explain string theory to me.

You're calling my bluffs, you're doing me favors. You think I'm polite? You must have me confused with someone who can fall asleep at night. Insomniacs are never polite.

This is all that I am: homesick.

I ain't beautiful, I'm just rich.

I ain't praying, I'm just preaching to the choir.

We ain't drunk. We ain't mute. 

I know a hundred thousand words but the only one I can think of is: Glory. Glory. Glory. I don't know what "glory" is, but I'm pretty sure that God had it.

Are we blasphemous? Nah. We're holy. We're devout.

Didn't you come here to fry fish? I'm distracting you, aren't I? I'm disappointing you, aren't I?

My best asset as a human being is greed. See how greedy I am? See how human I am?

I apologize. I know that all you want from me is the truth about frying a fish, but I just want you to hear me speak. I want you to say: I hear you, I hear you. I want you to say: Forget about the fish. Tell me another one.

I tried writing a love poem this morning but the only thing I wrote down was: "REMEMBER TO BUY MILK AND BROWN SUGAR". I have a shopping list for a love life and lined paper is the cruelest way to break someone's heart.

This one goes out to all the boys in bands.

Are you wondering about what kind of frying pan you're going to need? Are you wondering about butter and trout?

Let me be the one to break the news: there is a hole in your heart that never stops wanting. There is a page missing from the Bible. There is a fish in a frying pan, and you'll burn it if you don't do it right.

I hear you, I hear you.

Well, I've talked enough for one night. The paint is drying, the house is getting cold. I'm all out of clichés, I'm all out of colloquialisms.

You want to know how to fry a fish? Do you really want to know?

Okay, okay. Here's the secret, here's the truth, here's the thing they'll write on your headstone because you told them it was the key to the universe. Here's how to fry a fish.

You put some oil in the pan, and you fry the fish.

You fry the fish.

This has been The Devastation Diaries.